| Friendship, hatred, annoyance, and all those things. |
[Sep. 5th, 2009|12:46 pm] |
I haven't posted in a while, have I? Hah, I guess not. Well... I've been thinking. Doing a lot of thinking, really. Thinking about things like friends, enemies, and taking things for granted. Pushing forwards because even believing you are wrong feels horrid. Life. The universe. Everything. And even occasionally the number forty two.
These long months have seen me thoughtful in ways I haven't been for quite some time. Mostly about Ian. I failed him. I failed him, and I have no one to blame but myself. Let me elaborate.
Ian and I met through an on-line game. We met at a mini convention thing where many of the game's players attended, and hit it off and became instantly friends. I wound up moving out there to live near him, and hopefully we could both get a job together. We grew close, like brothers. And, like brothers, I started taking for granted the things that made him a good person. So what if he'd always show up if I needed help, or bring me medication if I was ill, despite having better and more important things to do? That's just how he is, no one cares. He irritates me when we hang out! I don't know how well I can deal with his sense of humor!
To be more accurate on that, we both had a very rough sense of humor when we met. Our favorite show was Megas XLR, and we both shared that same worldview that violent humor is hilarious. As time went by, we grew in different directions. I became a lot less amused by violence, explosions, crude jokes and the like, while Ian continued to be amused by them. And like all things I've grown away from, I actively started to dislike them - they reminded me too much of my past self, which was by definition a shittier version of myself. So I started hanging out with him less and less. The idea of going up to the mountains and finding a rifle range to spend the day at was less appealing, cruising around town in the old VW sounded boring, taking the bronco and doing borderline but not quite illegal and fun things like sneaking up mountainsides and scaring tailgaters on the interstate with backfires were things I had become 'aloof' to.
And because I became aloof to them, I shunned them, and Ian as a result. Nevermind that he was trying his best to get me to come hang out and do things he thought I'd enjoy, never mind that I took for granted all the times he put his life aside to come do things with me. I didn't want to go do things, and I was a selfish cunt about it. I even stopped hanging out altogether before I moved, and never said thank you for all the work he did EVERY TIME he helped me move. I never paid him back, I never even showed my gratitude. Why? He's just Ian, it's what he does. He doesn't need to be thanked.
It's a horrible, horrible mindset to fall into. It's the same mindset that results in corporate bosses firing employees for missing a day of work for their wife being in the hospital. It's the same mindset that leaves married couples broken and hollow, all the love lost in their lives because their own selfish needs are more important than just fucking THINKING for a few minutes. It's not a trap, it's your own damn fault, and if you don't see it you become what I was - an arrogant, selfish prick.
Lose awareness of yourself, and you lose your respect for everyone else.
It sickens me to this day to think of what I've done, too busy feeling sorry for myself and bitter and irate to bother thinking of the feelings and motivations of people around me. I can't feel their pain, so naturally their lives must be going well, right? I mean, since other people aren't constantly complaining about how rough things are for them, clearly they don't have it rough, so if they're not happy smiling and everything I want them to be, it's their own fault.
Yeah. Dumb as fuck, isn't it? I lost sight of myself, and because of it started losing sight of others. Developing a worldview of "accuse first, condemn second, what the fuck is this 'forgiveness and understanding' bullshit?" when people did things I didn't approve of or didn't like.
So take a few minutes, next time you run into that friend who thinks you're his friend but he really pisses you off. Is he doing it to irritate you? Is he chattering on about his day and his inconsequential life and wanting to go out and do boring things because he's a twit?
Or is it really that you're someone important, and a friend, and friends should have a good time together? You used to enjoy all those things, and even if you don't now, well hell, he's your friend, he's done all sorts of shit for you over the years, so let him go on about his day and his life. Listen and offer advice, because things aren't any better for him than they are for you, but having someone to talk to helps. So yeah, you are bored with bowling, but go with him anyway, not to knock some pins over, but to just have fun, maybe get a few beers and some pretzels, and wing balls down the gutter and cackle when they pop out at the last moment and tag the 10 pin.
Introspect. Think of others. Don't be a dick.
Don't be me. |
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| Transformers 2 |
[Jul. 4th, 2009|08:55 pm] |
First impressions: Amazing movie, billions of times better than the first one. Ending was kind of weak.
YES OPTIMUS IS BACK FROM THE DEAD! GO PRIME!
...did the air force just airstrike Ironside? WTF?
Okay, it's not just me, right? All the transformers except Optimus just pretty much stopped actually appearing on camera about halfway through the climactic battle, right?
YES! SUPER OPTIMUS VS MEGATRON AND FALLEN! THIS IS GONNA BE EP...it's over already? What. |
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| ZINA |
[May. 22nd, 2009|04:15 pm] |
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OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOMAN |
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| Away for the weekend |
[May. 21st, 2009|07:14 pm] |
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Later tonight I are off to NJ for Andrew's wedding. (OMG HE'S GETTING MARRIED!). See you all Mondayish when I return! |
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| For Zina! |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|12:41 am] |
You're over in Japan, which one is it? D:
I SERIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA. |
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| AHAHAHAHA |
[Apr. 4th, 2009|10:41 am] |
Shadenfreude is sweet. Revenge is sweet. Coming full circle is sweetest of all. I can't begin to say how happy I am right now, but my life has finally taken a massive upward curve. For the first time in years, I feel -awesome-. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Hit me up in private if you want the details, it's not something I'm gonna post here. But if you're a member of a certain LJ community or two, you might already have an inkling. ;) |
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| HAHAHA MARCH |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|04:55 pm] |
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Add to the list: An order of food for my toad I spent 30 bucks on came in WRONG. |
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| THE MOST EMO MONTH EVER |
[Mar. 31st, 2009|12:27 am] |
Jesus christ I want to be able to post GOOD NEWS in this damn thing one day. Fuck.
This is a list of every bad thing that's happened this month, large and small. Some of the small ones are really small, some of the large ones are really large.
March 1st: Get infected with rotavirus, shit brains out for a week, fail to sleep after day 3.
March 5th: Find out best friend died in a firearms accident, spend weeks wondering if it was suicide until finding out the truth.
March something or other: Guild in WoW dissolves, find it near impossible to get into another guild because of some crappy politics nonsense, main distraction from all the bad stuff is now pretty much gone.
March another something or other: Find out roomie who's been saying "I'll move in in March, promise, guarantee, hold that spot for me!" is going to bail, two weeks before move-in date. No alternative roommates available.
March something else: The only guild I was able to get into in WoW dissolves.
Weekend of March 21st: Parents lose phone and internet for the weekend due to a line problem, unable to contact them.
March 28th: Pet lizard which I've had for years suffers an incredibly painful and eventually fatal injury - I have to euthanize it with my own hands.
March Yesterday: Raven (neighbor)'s car breaks down four hours from home, misses work on Monday, I drive up to pick up, plans for the next few weeks which rely on that car being in working order are looking in big trouble now.
March in General: Colin, roomie who bailed in January, promises repeatedly to come get the last of his crap. He never shows, doesn't even make excuses. Just like every month so far. Can't throw it out or sell it because his brother is a neighbor and I don't wanna be on bad terms with him.
ONE FUCKING DAY LEFT THIS MONTH. ONE DAY. NOTHING HAD BETTER GO FUCKING WRONG IN THE LAST FUCKING DAY OF THE FUCKING MONTH OR I SWEAR I WILL FLIP OUT. |
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| Watchmen |
[Mar. 13th, 2009|01:24 am] |
Promising story, ruined by a clumsy, hamhanded ending designed to ram a 'moral' down your throat. I wish I'd read the book first, I wouldn't have bothered going.
In all fairness, aside from the subject material, the movie itself was incredibly well done. Now if only they'd chosen a comic with a good plot.
FLAME AWAY, YOU FUCKHEADS. You ain't changing my opinion. |
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| ... |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|05:01 pm] |
This morning, at about 1:15 AM, one of my best friends in the world, Ian Chesnick, died of a gunshot wound.
I... can't even write anything at this time. I can't think of anything to say. I moved out of state for the first time ever to live near him...
I don't even know what to say. |
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| Iain M Banks - a complete wanker |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|06:51 am] |
When you read a book, in my mind, I believe that in some way, in some strange perverse reaction of the psyche, you create within yourself a tiny universe where the story unfolds, where the people live and die, and where the story unfolds as you turn through the pages. And I believe that you, as the reader, by opening the book and starting the journey from cover to cover, are responsible to the people and for the events which unfold. It is YOUR universe, you opened the pages and brought it into existence.
I feel like a monster.
I just plowed my way through a book called "The Player of Games", second of Iain M Banks's "Culture" novels. The first one I detested utterly, in ways I can't begin to describe. Well, I could, but not right now. To put it bluntly, the "culture" is the author's own personal paradise, a wonderland where superintelligent godlike "Minds", artificial intelligences that control city-sized and perhaps small-nation sized ships, smaller ships (and in fact EVERY spaceship), have some sort of weird 'Daddy Knows Best' thing going on. It's billed as a pure democracy where everyone is completely free, gene-tailored to be superhuman (and oversexed and capable of changing sexes or appearances at a whim and some gene-splicing), and in complete control of their own destinies... but in fact, it's Solaria, taken to a different extreme. Instead of the robots being forced servants, they are made into gods... but the end result is the same.
It's a mommy-may-I society. While the humans may actually be free, it's entirely at the will of the Minds. And the Minds are so intelligent, so superpowerfully intelligent, that humanity is enslaved to them without realizing it. While the author CLEARLY does not intend it to be viewed this way, it's the fact of the matter, evidenced by the "culture" (aka the Minds) using or manipulating human agents into acting in its interest, while making them believe they are doing what they desire until it is too late.
Player of Games exemplifies this, where the lead character is a master of all kinds of games, and is sent to an empire that the Culture has known about for 70+ years, which is centered around a strategy game, winner becomes Emperor. He joins the game, thinking simply to play a few rounds, score some points for the culture, and most importantly, have played a new game. What actually happens is that, due to the Culture's plans centering around him, he triggers a bloody revolt, causes countless deaths, and causes the entire empire to collapse, no doubt killing billions while the Culture moves in to take over. It's revealed at the end of the book that this is, in fact, ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN. He was fucking bred for it, even if the machines told him they were simply 'waiting for someone like him to come into existence'. And like every other one of this author's main characters, the author is very careful to tell you exactly how he dies after the story ends, and tell you nothing of how he lived. The tool was useful, and got thrown away, hooray hooray another glorious day!
What galls me most isn't the sheer egotistical "We know better than you, now be good children and go back to playing while we rule the galaxy" bullshit of the Culture, which I already loathe with a passion (were I alive in that time, as the person I am today, I would make it my life's goal to exterminate every single machine intelligence in the universe out of sheer unrivalled hatred, pure disgust at the sickening way they play the human cattle. No. It's that Iain M. Banks views this culture of mindlessness, this pure freedom without responsibility, this freeing of people from any struggle, strife, anything to grow against or develop into, this turning of people into sex-loving partygoing SHEEP as a fucking paradise, his ideal world, where he'd love to live. And his FORCING this opinion on the reader and every other society in the series.
The Culture never attacks! They are just passively there, and when the inevitable STUPIDS try to wage their silly wars on the Culture, they always lose. Like the Iridans in the first book, (and don't get me STARTED on what a fucking piece of shit the author is for wiping out the Changers), well they just get "yes dear'ed" "That's nice deared" and "we just took over your homeworld's computer network, upgraded it, made it sentient, and made it your nanny after a war that took billions of lives, nyah nyahed" out of the Culture's way.
Each plot point and proof of the culture's moral and intellectual superiority is driven home not with a sledgehammer, but with a nuke. Like, the seedy underside of the Ea culture isn't just seedy, it involves pay-per-view rape, murder, rape and murder of pregnant females, slavery, and basically every crime short of eating babies you can imagine. Oh sure the Empire LOOKS nice but of course they're all just a bunch of evil naughties, because only the Culture could possibly ever be a valid way of life in this galaxy - everyone else is bad and naughty and childish and will one day join the Culture, usually after the Culture destabilizes their government and way of life from within, blows them up, kills a few billion, and moves in with their blankets, bottles, and nap times to take over and treat another sentient race like silly children.
There are no words to describe my hatred of the Culture and this series of books.
I loathe the destruction of books. But I think I will be burning my Culture novels, so that no one else ever has to read these horrible things. And most of all, I will NOT READ the third one I own. I bought three as a set, and for those who know me well, you know how inconceivable it is that I will leave a book unread if I buy it.
For those who know me best, Robert Jordan is Isaac Asimov compared to this hack. |
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| BLUCK JOO |
[Jan. 16th, 2009|01:14 am] |
For those who don't know the situation, I now live in Richmond, Va. I moved in here with two roomies - one who already lived in the building and one who's unable to work for various personal reasons, so pays rent by handling all the housekeeping (YES I DONT HAVE TO CLEAN BWAHAHAHHAA!) Now, for New Years, I went and blew about 300 bucks on food and booze, confident that I'd be getting rent from the paying roomie within a couple of days, since I kept enough in my bank account for my half of the rent, bills, and monthly groceries.
On Jan. 2nd, said roomie tells me, "oh btw I got a better deal elsewhere, c-ya" and bails, having paid for exactly one month of the 3 he stayed here.
Well fuck.
I've got someone new moving in hopefully in march, but god DAMNIT.
My income will barely cover rent and power, groceries and credit card are another story entirely.
FUCKING HELL. I am utterly SCREWED. I need to try and extort money out of the roomie who bailed, honestly.
DAMNIT I NEED CASH.
You. ALL OF YOU. Go win the big lottery and send me some.
Please? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|07:31 pm] |
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Happy zombie jew spawning day! |
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| Dear Comcast, |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|02:53 pm] |
Three months ago, I cancelled my service with you, updated my address, and moved. I haven't heard from you since then. Today, a collections agency called me to tell me I was in arrears with you! Now, I was rather surprised by this, since you didn't call or write to tell me about it. Heck, you never notified me once... and you have my contact info!
I knew you didn't love me anymore, but that's just cold. And honestly, what kind of excuse is "Oh, we typoed your address so the bills never reached you"?
I will not be doing business with you again. Though at night I will dream of your company going bankrupt and getting bought out by someone competent.
<3 and kisses,
Dan |
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| Emojournal is EMO |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|03:47 pm] |
It's been a year and three months since the wheels fell off my life now. For those who don't know, to make a long story short, I got betrayed by the woman I loved and a friend I trusted dearly. Since that time, I've really been unable to trust -anyone-. I've found myself growing distant from everyone I used to talk to. It doesn't help that some of my closest friends did even worse to me in the intervening months - earning my trust and then betraying me in ways that hurt just as bad.
I loved her, I really did. And when it happened... I felt that it was because of me. After all, look at me. I'm just some fat guy with no college education who can't seem to get a job that doesn't go out of business or do massive layoffs. What kind of sheer fucking arrogance did I have to possess to believe that I would ever, EVER deserve to be happy? What kind of self-delusion did I manage to wrap myself in that allowed me to think a disgusting slob like myself, that the horrible person I am, someone who lied and stole for years, would ever, ever deserve a chance?
After all, what girl would ever be insane enough to -want- to date something as screwed up as me? No, clearly I deluded myself and that delusion reached even further. I realized, if people knew who I really was, they'd hate me. And it's true. I've watched more friends walk away from me in the past year and a half than I ever did in the rest of my life.
Being fair, this is mostly my fault. I've become bitter and hateful and lost in my own misery of late. I can't reach out to people I know in real life because they have problems of their own, and it's entirely unfair to saddle them with mine as well. And friends on the internet? I mean, REALLY? Come ON. There isn't a day that goes by without some angsty teenager whining about his life and how bad it is and how miserable he is on the internet. What kind of shithead would I be if I saddled people I respected with just -another- whiny little bitch who doesn't have anything real to complain about?
So I grow withdrawn, and curl up around myself, and glare hatefully at anyone who tries to get close. Anyone who reaches out to me, who offers a hug, or a helpful ear gets hissed at... not because I hate them for trying to help me, but because I hate myself and can't stand what I am. I can't stand that I'm unhappy, I can't stand that I'm falling apart like this. Most of all, I can't stand that I can't see a solution for it that doesn't involve "lol get a girlfriend, fag". I should be able to solve my own problem, god DAMNIT. But I can't. I've always been able to see a way out, if I just looked... and now I can't.
I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm alone. And I can't cope with it. And because of that, it's never going to get better.
What few friends I have left, I'll probably wind up driving away as well, and it tears me apart that I can't trust -anyone- enough anymore to open myself up and prevent it from happening. I wish I could remember how to trust people, and just accept that they want to help without believing, deep down, that they don't so much want to help as they want to earn my trust and then watch me scream as they crush it in their fist.
Help. |
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| It's been a while. |
[Dec. 7th, 2008|04:48 am] |
And it will probably continue to be. Meanwhile...
Reg Naxx: 15/15
Hero Naxx: 11/15
Reg Archavon: clear
Hero Archavon: clear
Reg Obsidian: clear
Hero Obsidian: 0/1
Reg Malygos: 0/1
Hero Malygos: 1/1 |
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| Dreamz |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|12:54 pm] |
Oh what an interesting night.
First dream involved Ankh-morporkian laws in a more modern society - basically, if you're a thief and you aren't in the Thieves Guild, it's up to the Thieves Guild to make sure you don't steal. Usually by nailing your ears to your knees and throwing you in the river. Background done, I caught an unlicensed thief who didn't show fear or remorse, and brought him to the thieves guild. He swore I'd die horribly for it. I never expected to see him again but about 10 minutes later he showed up in the middle of the street holding a pencil. I turned to see, he said "Remember, I'm going to make sure you suffer." and threw the pencil hard enough that it ripped through my shoe like a bullet... the only reason it didn't impale my foot is that it went in through the side just under the arch, so wound up between the arch and the sole. Luck, nothing else, saved me.
Next dream was a joker-esque character. Bunch of people were in a meeting in a building... and this guy shows up dressed as wait staff. I don't hear what happens in the meeting room, but I -know- what he's done. He's put a steel hook in the mouth of a female employee and has her up against a wall and has rope through the hook, woven around doorways and handles and connected to every door in the building in such a way that if anyone opens ANY door it's going to kill her horribly, by tearing out the back of her throat and slicing through half her face. And then he -disappears- to laugh and watch. The only way she's saved is because one of the sealed doors that he didn't wire because it's not supposed to be openable without opening one of the wired doors was broken and emergency services were able to get in. Turns out, -everyone- in the staff room had been rigged similarly, one to be torn in half, some to have various horrible implements shoved through their bodies. And all the deadly items were set so that if you cut the ropes or tried to move them without special equipment, they'd kill the people.
This guy never showed anything other than mild amusement, no remorse or fear, and he could -disappear-. Next, I was in an indoor cafe in a mall. Somehow, his email got out. I don't remember if he showed up and said it or if it was on a note somewhere. Most people knew this guy was deadly insane and much like Candlejack, he would come if you said his name. Well, one stupid fucking bitch, you know the kind, little miss princess, about 5'8", skinny as a rail, few grand clothes, shoes, makeup, who believes that tch, no one will ever do anything bad to -her-, declares that she's going to text him and call him a jerk, and starts writing one out on her phone while everyone frantically tries to tell her to stop. She does it, sends it, and nothing happens. I walk off to get some food, turn around, and he's behind her with an axe. He swings it and hacks her head off, then casually walks to the next four tables and lops off the heads of four people who are facing away from him. Everyone's too paralyzed with terror to even scream... and then he disappears again.
The final event was in another part of the mall, in a larger cafe that had a lot of asians in it. Well, the guy (he was never named. He was a horribly evil, untouchable person... couldn't even lay a hand on him) shows up in the midst of a conversation about Blue Man Group, and grabs one of the guys in the conversation. "You! Come over here. You're black, you deserve a break." (-everyone- here is Asian except for me.) He also grabs three other people and lines them up. No one seems to know who he is or that they should be terrified. Me, I know exactly who he is. I can't fight him. I can't stop him. So I slip towards the entrance, the only thing to do is run away and escape. Leave him in there with them... I see one of the guys stumble to the entrance, wearing a blue suit. He leans against the wall.. and his body ruptures and bursts, spraying blue-colored blood onto the glass. The other three suffer similar fates.
Twisted. |
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| Philosophy |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|05:39 pm] |
I have come up with the perfect way to solve free will vs determinism.
Look at tomorrow from the perspective of two days from now.
Game over, fuckers. I fucking WIN. |
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